Save your marriage. Become a hero to ducks. All thanks to this. (How to sell a bread maker in 2023)
This is the best part about being married. Everyday is like a Costco fortune cookie…
Will she suddenly decide we need new curtains?
Will she suddenly be angry because she remembers about that time I accidentally killed her in her dream?
Will she decide that our old bread maker — that works perfectly fine because it MAKES BREAD — isn’t good enough for her because she saw a Facebook reel about why there’s a NEW breadmaker that’s better?
Be still my heart, it’s one of life’s GREAT mysteries and I’m just a passenger gagged and zip-tied to this rollercoaster ride.
But my wife’s gain is also YOUR gain when you buy this perfectly normal and functioning bread making widget dreamed straight from the nightmare factory of Martha Stewart's mind.
FACT: BREAD is what happens when you take flour and give it a yeast infection.
And if that makes your mouth moister than an oyster…
Then you’re prob’ly gonna love this I mean obvsly ask yourself:
“Do I have a borderline hostile addiction to butter soaked carbs?”
If you've got a pulse then of course you do.
So get ready to cancel that weekly membership with your local bread-dealer because yer’ bout to start cookin’ up your own crack-loaves and become the Walter White of bake sales with your BRAND-USED OSTER BREAD MACHINE THING!
But if you’re still on the fence, then may I ask you…
Remember those hilariously titled “Easy Bake” ovens from the late 1900’s?
The ones with the 900 degree deathbulb that could slow-roast you a miniature chocolate chip manhole cover in just 3 hours?
Gosh that treasure of modern technology freakin’ slapped, didn’t it?
What a setup that was. “Baking is soooo easy HURRRR DURRR”...
Because the REAL version of that is to grind it out in the kitchen over a nuclear mushroom cloud of flour, a slop-glop mess in every single measuring spoon you own EXCEPT for that one tablespoon that went missing…
An' all you gotta to show for it is that Chernobly lookin’ chonk of slag that was formerly known as “dough”...
....that you somehow burned to an unimaginable crisp EVEN THOUGH you followed the directions to the “T” while Rachael Ray’s stupid face on the recipe website mocks your idiot creation like "YUM-O!" which is like tossin’ a hot middle finger right into the middle of your crusty crap-stack (if it could even penetrate that cinderblock you miraculously baked)...
And BY THE WAY why do these recipe websites need to tell me their life story before I can get to the recipe I DON’T NEED TO KNOW THE HISTORY OF HOW YOUR ABUSIVE MARRIAGE ALMOST ENDED BUT IT WAS SAVED BY THIS STUPID HONEY WHEAT BREAD WITH POPPY SEEDS RECIPE I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG IT NEEDS TO BAKE-UHHHHHHH!!!!!
But they LAUGH in your face because it’s too late and your bread is now Shawshank gray and looks like something Satan would use as a doorstop to hold open the gates of hell…
And the only dish coming out of that sweat-shop you call a kitchen (LiVe LaUgH lOvE) is the vinegar smelling boob soup you’ve been making in that 3 day old bra.
SOOOOOOOO if you’re tired of ruining bread and giving your mother in law reasons to talk trash about you behind your back…
Then you can tell her to shove it when you bust out a legendary loaf of unicorn toast straight from the bread-tank of destiny.
You want bread? Cook it once.
You want toast? COOK IT AGAIN.
My European ancestors pillaged and plundered entire CIVILIZATIONS for a crock of salt, and you can’t be bothered to press two buttons to make a loaf of bread?
I mean just think about what life goals you can accomplish with a machine like this…
- Make bread.
- Make different bread.
- Repair your marriage.
- Become a hero to ducks.
- Have an excuse to eat more butter.
I just gained 3 pounds of fat by looking at this machine. The bad kind, not the avocado kind.
So if you too want this in your life, all you need is this OSTER BREAD MACHINE THING!
Phenomenal with a capital “F”.
If frogs can make it in life, imagine what you’re capable of once you can sack up and bust out a loaf in the next 40 to 90 minutes, plus shipping and handling?
Now honestly ask yourself…
What kind of person would you be if you knew something would change your life… and you passed it up?
What would your family think of you?
What would your KIDS think of you?
They’d probably be okay, honestly, but remember one thing…
I don’t care who you are, I just want you to give me your money so I can recoup the next expense my wife will inevitably make.
And if you’re not ready to grab this just yet, then wait about a year when I’m back here selling the NEW thing that’s now old and isn’t as good.
But hey, the choice is yours.
(Oh, and if you wanna write ads like this for your business? Tap this link.)